Posted Sept 20,2010 by Shelly 
Super-woman envy
Is this super woman chromosome missing in me?
Are the top of your wall hangings dust free?
Glass doors or back of the couch reachable by pooches windows spotless while living with toddlers and/or pain in the couch dent DOGS!?  Please tell me that it is in fact possible to get dog hair un-weaved from my micro fiber sofas?  Why do my carpets look like I haven't vacuumed or carpet shampooed EVER?  Well the floors and sofa's at least I blame 100% on the DD's, you know the two Damn Dogs...DD's.  Or otherwise referred to as the banes of my existence...  I can't even effectively describe my dog, my therapy puppy given to me by my husband, before he was my husband, during one of the most difficult times of my life.  This little face was the gift from my then fiance that just keeps on giving...paw prints every where, this puppy turned enormous (thinks she's a lap dog) canine who happens to have the foulest, gas issues, EVER and it's all day... every day.  Did I mention that she has thyroid issues, and is allergic to grass?  Follow me every where I go, laying on my feet, large slobber soaked circles of ick on my couches because she obsesses chewing on her paws.  She sometimes goes into fits of scratching her big floppy ears until it seems she's going to scratch her ear right off her head.  She will crawl all 80 lbs of herself into your lap while tooting.  It doesn't end there, she'll also wag her whole back half and jump on anyone who dares walk thru the door and lick them square on the lips. Yes that's my ill-behaved dog...who pre-"super tuper to da rescue" was the baby of the house and treated as such, this dog that will drown the new baby in slobbery kisses and lay down next to him (while farting) and either watch him playing or try to join in herself by chewing on a crayon as he colors, or grabbing the ball he's rolling around.  This dog whom I will simultaneously love endlessly for all the rest of my days, and want to drop kick her foul behind out the nose printed, paw scratched, wood frame chewed on, sliding glass door, mmkay?  

My therapy puppy then...

 My stink bomb now...  I kid you not she is dropping a constant flow of bombs right next to me as I type this eyes are burning and my will to live is wavering.

My husbands pre-us dog, his loyal companion, this man o mine's best friend.  His baby above all other babies...who to him can do no wrong.  This dog will bark her ever lovin head off at anything and everything inside or outside WHEN he's not home...  When he is home she's too busy laying her exhausted barked out butt next to where ever he is and defending his attention, unless there's someone at the door, walking on the sidewalk, or otherwise visible to her and she can't contain herself.  And he is always sufficiently shocked to see her bark her head off...argh.  Middle of the night, middle of nap time, middle of I can't take any more barking melt down by yours truly...she barks.  And she barks.  When she's not barking at some would be invader, random squirrel, or the tree's shadow, or whatever it is she's always barking at by day...  She will growl and snarl and "play" with my dog which sounds like she's going to rip her jugular out.  But she's just playing...right?  Then when my darling little 2 yo wants to pet or play with her, she growls and snarls, and has miraculously not nipped at him, ever.  Quite the contrary, you can almost see the internal struggle for this dog with this child...  Wanna see her sweet little angelic face?  She acts mean to everyone (except the hubster) to whom she will be forever loyal and completely HIS.  She will find herself with a two year old version of her person who will lay his sweet little head against her neck, then against everything in her she will visibly crumble from the hardened, will bite your face off, bad azz, defender of all things ours, mid size bundle of muscle and nerves pooch, to a ball of mush in an instant.  No matter how hard she tries to deny him or will look irritably at him when "the Hubster"s attention is being wasted by her estimation on "Super Tuper" she just can't hang on to it when he turns his baby mini hubster blue eyes on her...  She tragically melts... every. single. time. 

Awwww, equal amounts of love all the days of my life and drop kick this yappy yapperson out the snout snotted, paw muddied glass door...  yep that's the understanding we all have so.. thems the rules. 

When I say I ramble I digress from here down is what this post was SUPPOSED to be about...Super woman envy not these dogs make me nuts rant.  But it is what it is and shall stay so...

Here's the level of my ridiculousness...  We have TWO linen closets, which were loaded up upon the purchase of our home in 2005 and have rarely been opened since.  With the exception of one shelf in one of the two closets where we house towel overflow, these doors do not get opened unless a specific item which is needed is not readily available any where else.  I imagine all these showered, well coiffed women who posses a mental alarm notifying them that it’s time to clean and replenish her linen closets.   While balancing an infant on her (back to pre baby sized) hip, while her well behaved toddler plays independently at the “learning corner” of their completely child proofed play room, she efficiently takes her linen, medicine, and um heating pads?, to task.  Out with the old, in with the new most current items of AWESOME-ness available.  Oh out with these old ratty, holes in every single one of them, have I had these since I first moved out of my Mom’s house in the 90’s? towels.  Oh wait no she wouldn’t have such towels, time for her to replace and upgrade to the newest coolest shade of periwinkle or both sassy and classy at the same time not light enough to be lime but not dark enough to be just green, fluffy, wrap yourself in what feels like true love, towels or should I say linens?  Are towels linens?  She would clearly have the sets (I would list what towel sets entail but I really don’t know), not just towels.  Of which I have never owned or even picked up in a retail environment to consider purchasing.  All of her Tylenol-like household must haves are current (yesterday I found Vanquish brand pain reliever that expired in 1995, seriously?... seriously.), her Childrens Tylenol/ Childrens Motrin because these obviously need to be alternated, and of course the best absorb-able vitamins on the market for all the correct ages of her family (last fever my toddler had... all we had on hand was infant liquid Tylenol with the little dropper), the newest, greenest version of icy hot for any aches and pains, make her hair the shiniest and softest flowing hair on the planet- shampoo and conditioner refills, q-tips, various  sunscreen in all of its helio-plexed wonder (kids, sport, for her flawless face), micro-derm abrasion-esque 100% recyclable yet some how disposable face wipes, sewing kit to mend those loose buttons, replacement and extra guest toothbrushes, paste, and a “green” mouth wash rinse, all brand spanking new and at her family’s disposal when needed.  Do you suppose it’s all labeled and organized in stylish wicker totes and stuff?  Naturally.  I opened both of my closets yesterday, took a good hard look at a couple of items and shut the doors until I am better prepared to deal with two completely empty linen closets.  Because that my friends is exactly what should happen once I do decide to take a gander again...       

Are you one who is able to do everything for every one without the aid of vodka or xanex?
Happen to comfortably create and reside in an organized, fun, and educational environment for your children, no sweat?  Home school your kids, have a sparkly clean house, stable marriage, and able to shower, blow dry your hair, and apply ever so slight make up, every day?  Do your to-do lists actually get done?  Do you grow your own vegetables, buy organic everything, home cook meals?  In my head you wear a cape, and should rule this whole world.  I volunteer to be your jester or vice president.  Whatever you want to call me.  I'll just be over here taking notes on how to be that flippen AWESOME!  As the little hamster says in Bolt...I'll go get my ball....In other more direct words, if you are even remotely near this superwoman I offer myself to you as a project... you can be my domestic life coach.  My what is that spilled in my refrigerator and how do I get it off savior, if you will.  Please email me at lovecreatelaugh at gmail dot com with any awesomeness insight or dog defunkifier you would care to impart my direction.  BTW, yes my beautiful stink bomb is on thyroid medication, Doggy Dr recommended food, allergy medication, and a daily dose of rose water up her behind (jk on the last one)...but she is a well cared for if ill behaved beast of a golden retriever. 

Love, create, laugh always,